I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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