I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
