just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
