Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
