the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize