She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
