How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
