remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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