She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
