had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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