It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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