I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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