I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
