Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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