okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize