My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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