you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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