so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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