Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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