im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
