So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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