I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
