We won't sleep together?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
