You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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