Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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