why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I fill condoms, not promises.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
