i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
