I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
