i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Randomize
