never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
