Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do vagina's smell?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
