My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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