I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
