You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
