i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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