I can tuck mytits in my pants
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
