i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
