awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
