We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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