I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
