i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
