we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
