I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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