I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
