I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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