areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
