walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
