my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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