Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
