Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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