The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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