There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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