I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
