The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
