My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
