You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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