its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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